


Beetlebum

by kittylullu123



Category: Blur
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Use, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, POV Third Person, Past Drug Addiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-21
Updated: 2017-05-21
Packaged: 2018-11-03 06:18:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10961451
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittylullu123/pseuds/kittylullu123
Summary: Damon makes a mistake and Alex runs away





	Beetlebum

**Author's Note:**

> There's not enough Damon/Alex fanfiction so I wrote some for myself.  
> Also fag in Britain is slang for cigarette, just so people don't get confused.

It was 1:02 in the fucking morning and Damon should be trying to get some sleep. That’s why he was in tonight, after all. He had been all but tucked into bed by his bandmates hours ago with the instruction to ‘sleep until you get your head back on straight mate’. Those had been Dave’s words, of course. Dave was a practical man, who believed in what he had experienced. In Dave’s experience, anything was easier if you got some sleep. It seemed that Dave had better experiences than Damon, who felt that nothing got any easier ever and therefore sleep was for the weak. Still, it was better than Graham’s advice which, although probably well-meaning, had been completely incoherent due to how intoxicated he already was. Alex hadn’t said anything, which was a change, he had just continued smoking his fag out the window until the others had left and Damon had given up trying to make conversation, at which point he stood up and left the room, blowing a cheeky kiss at the boy on the bed as he left. That was Alex for you- an enigma- subdued and distracted one moment, hyper and seductive the next.

  
Still, Damon probably would have slept well after all that, the flat was quiet and he was exhausted, as always, only this time he actually had a chance to get his energy back, which never normally happened. Or maybe he didn’t let it. Damon didn’t like to ponder the issue. Sleep was, as previously mentioned, unimportant. Whatever his personal opinions however, Damon’s body was tired and he would have slept through almost anything. Anything but the personalised ringtone of his ex-girlfriend.

  
Justine hadn’t called him. Of course she hadn’t. She never would, he knew that, she told him that herself and through it all Damon had always been able to trust Justine. Even when they were fighting every day she couldn’t lie to him. She told him how it was so he could make a judgement based on fact. He made the judgement in the end and he didn’t regret it. But he wished she would call. It all felt so lonely sometimes, particularly times like this when he was isolated in his room without anyone to keep him company or distract him.

  
He just needed some release, just something to lift him out of the pit he had fallen into after that phone call. He needed to feel happy again, like he hadn’t been able to for weeks now. He needed euphoria and he knew how to get it. As he was making the line he couldn’t help thinking about the past, even though that’s exactly what he was trying to get away from. He knew he shouldn’t be doing this but it was the last of his stash and his dealer was a friend of Justine so there was no way he could get anymore. Heroin wasn’t as easy to source as coke, which seemed to follow the band around like an annoying groupie or an obsessed fan.

  
Damon lay back on the bed, already feeling the effects kicking in, a sense of complete happiness lifting him up and letting him drift away into a whole other world, where everything was euphoric and Justine no longer existed. A world which was, to Damon, the happiest place. Where he could play with his band peacefully and forever. A world where Alex’s smile was the only power source necessary because it was so bright it could light up the entire universe if he tried. A perfect world.

Damon woke up to the scent of a freshly smoked cigarette drifting up his nostrils, with undertones of a soft cologne. Alex must have come home. Well, strictly speaking it wasn’t Alex’s home but everyone knew that it was. He was Damon’s rock, despite being the most distracted and unreliable member of the band he had always been there for Damon and in the past few weeks he had proven that he wouldn’t give up even in the worst times, and so everyone knew that this was Alex’s home now, even if it wasn’t his house.

  
But strangely, Damon couldn’t see Alex anywhere. He hadn’t crawled into bed with Damon when he came home blackout drunk from wherever the rest of the band had ended up and he wasn’t sitting on the living room windowsill smoking out of the window in an attempt to keep the constant scent of smoke from sticking to Damon’s flat as well as following him around everywhere. He wasn’t even lying on the sofa watching kid’s cartoons like he often liked to do on the rare occasions he was up early enough. In fact, if it hadn’t been for the smell Damon probably wouldn’t have known Alex had been there at all.

  
If it wasn’t for the smell. A smell Damon recognised instantly, it was all over his clothes and his bedsheets, his towels and his cushions. The smell of Alex permeated the apartment and gave Damon a sense of comfort he had never found with anyone before. He liked that, the feeling of calm control Alex brought, even when he was passed out from snorting too much coke or drinking too much vodka, Damon knew that Alex would soon be up and pottering about the kitchen, creating beats with his fingers as he cooked his ‘hangover special’ which was basically an everyday breakfast these days.

  
But Alex wasn’t there this morning, even though he had been there at some point recently. A fact which scared Damon greatly. There was no feeling of serenity, just a feeling of complete chaos in Damon’s head as he imagined any number of things which could have happened to Alex. He could have been kidnapped by a fan who found out where they lived, or he could have rushed out to a family emergency without telling Damon where he was going, or he could have just packed his bags and left, fed up with Damon’s constant cycle of crying and drinking and sleeping, which was all he seemed capable of these days.

  
A rush of panic ran through Damon’s chest but- no- that was Alex’s astronomy book on the coffee table and Alex’s jumper hung over the chair. He wouldn’t have left his things if he wasn’t coming back. Which meant that something terrible must have happened to make him leave like that without any warning.

  
Damon called everyone he could think of and went everywhere Alex could be. Although that wasn’t really possible because Alex could be anywhere and with anyone. If he had just gone out on his own then he could have ended up god knows where. But whatever had happened Alex appeared to have left no trace of where he had gone or why.

  
The last place Damon thought to look was probably the most obvious, and anyone who hadn’t been Damon would have gone to Alex’s flat first. But Damon had been the one to hear all the confessions about how Alex hated the place. It reminded him of everything that he had ‘done wrong’ in his words. Damon didn’t see it like that of course. Everyone made mistakes, it didn’t mean you were a bad person. Anyway, the only reason Alex hadn’t sold it was because he couldn’t bear to go back there to clean it up. It wasn’t a problem, he lived at Damon’s and Damon needed him there, so it all worked out perfectly. Except for now, when Alex had left or had been taken or something and the last place to look was his flat.

  
As Damon rang the doorbell he realised that he didn’t know whether he actually wanted Alex to be there. On the one hand if Alex was there at least he would be safe and Damon would be able to calm his anxiety, but on the other Damon wasn’t sure if he wanted to know what had prompted Alex to leave the place he called home and come back to the place he hated most. What could be that bad?

  
‘Hello?’ An apprehensive voice called out of the speaker on the doorframe. A recognisable voice. Not Alex, but Dave. Dave who hadn’t picked up the five times Damon had called him or answered any of the frantic voicemails left for him. ‘Open the door fucker! Its me!’ Damon shouted into the intercom, glad that Dave was okay but now even more worried about Alex. Why was Dave there- did Alex need someone to look after him? And if so why wasn’t it Damon?

  
Walking up the stairs Damon did his best to quash the jealousy rising in his stomach. Alex didn’t belong to him, he was as much Dave’s friend as Damon’s and he had every right to go to Dave for help. Despite knowing that all of these things were true, Damon still had an underlying feeling of jealousy and uncertainty. He just wanted some clarity- so he could understand what the hell was going on.

  
The front door to Alex’s flat opened before Damon could even lift his hand to knock, or reach for the key which he had in his pocket from when Alex told him he was always welcome. For some reason that didn’t seem as believable now as it had then.

  
“Damon.” Dave sighed. He always knew exactly what to say to scare the shit out of Damon when he needed to and now was apparently no exception. “I don’t think he wants to see you mate. He’ll find you when he’s ready.”

  
“Please Dave. I don’t know what’s happened. I’m so confused- I just woke up and he’d been there but he wasn’t anymore and I’ve been so scared. Please, just-“Damon’s chest began to seize up and he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Dave had a keen eye though, so he just sighed again and led the way to Alex’s room- knowing that no-one could help Damon as much as Alex could, no matter how hard they tried.

  
The scene was surprisingly similar to Damon. Alex sat at an open window, taking long draws from a cigarette and sitting unnervingly still. The only difference was the tears streaming down his face and how his hands shook as he raised the cigarette to his lips. He was a mess, but he was still beautiful as ever. A beautiful mess. That had always been the go-to description for Damon but he definitely didn’t deserve it now. He would only think of Alex when he heard that from now on.

  
“Go away Dave I’m not in the mood.” Damon couldn’t help but smile at Alex’s bored tone, Alex had never got the hang of the cautiously polite social skills Damon had learnt when the band started getting big. If Alex didn’t want to be in the conversation you would know it.

  
“It’s me mate. I just wanted to check you’re ok.” Damon spoke softly, not wanting to startle Alex- although it seemed pointless as Alex jumped and began wiping the tears from his cheeks indiscreetly.

  
“Oh. Damon, hey. What are you doing here? I’m fine- just fancied a trip down memory lane- a look back at this old dump you know?” He finished with a little chuckle but it wasn’t fooling anybody- particularly not Damon who was, if anything, more scared than he had been previously.

  
“Alex why are you here? I woke up and you weren’t at home. What happened?” Damon couldn’t control himself and his words flowed out at a rapid pace, so quick he was surprised Alex could understand, but of course he could. Alex had always been the one person who understood Damon no matter what- even Graham had his off days when Damon was being so irritating that there was almost no point trying to see what he was attempting to achieve through his actions. But Alex had a tendency to persevere, he didn’t like giving up- which was probably why he was so bad at giving up cigarettes, Damon thought looking down at the cigarette stubs lying on the windowsill behind Alex.  
“This is my home. My flat. I do pay for this place you know? Thought I may as well use it once in a while. Calm down would you Damon, Jesus you’re freaking me out.” Alex was on the defensive now but there was a slight fear in his tone and suddenly Damon couldn’t breathe again. Alex was angry at him, he could tell. He had just disregarded the idea that Damon’s flat was his home and he was deliberately ignoring Damon’s panic. That meant Damon must have done something to piss him off- but he couldn’t imagine what. His mind paced, trying desperately to think of things that would have irritated Alex but the only thing he could come up with was when he accidentally burnt the bacon the other day and the smoke alarm wouldn’t turn off for an hour- forcing Alex to get out of bed and remove the batteries because Damon wasn’t tall enough to reach. But that had been days ago- why would Alex be mad about it now, and surely it wasn’t so bad that he wouldn’t want to live with Damon anymore – was it?

  
“Damon, mate, calm down. What’s wrong? What’s happening? Just try and focus on your breathing ok? What’s triggering it? Is it me- do you need me to go? I can get Dave if you need someone else?” Alex sounded so small and hurt by the idea that Damon didn’t want him. But he got up to leave anyway- quietly ushering Damon to sit on the bed before stepping back as if to go out of the room. Damon let out a quiet whimper and grabbed Alex’s arm and Alex looked so scared. Damon wasn’t surprised- he couldn’t imagine what he looked like now- sitting on the bed with his knees to his chest, tears falling steadily down his cheeks, trying desperately to breathe, anyone would be scared if someone who looked like that grabbed you.

  
“Jesus Christ Damon. This is really bad. You’re shaking. Hey, hey, babe, Damon look at me- I just- I need to check your eyes ok? Have you taken something Damon? Its ok if you have I just need to know if I need to call 999. Just let me see your eyes ok?” Damon lifted his head from its spot in between his knees and looked directly into Alex’s eyes and the relief he saw when Alex realised he hadn’t taken anything was so apparent that the realisation hit Damon like a rock.

  
Alex knew. Alex knew what he’d done last night. Of course he did, Damon had been completely out of it- he wasn’t thinking about cleaning up. He took a deep breath in and everything started to clear. He turned to face Alex properly, determined to explain himself properly before the exhaustion took over.

  
“You saw it. I know you saw it and I’m so sorry, honestly, I am, and I know there’s no excuse for me putting you through that. But I promise I’m not on it again. I know it sounds empty. But honestly Alex that’s the first time in months- and it’s the last bit I had, I would never do that to you again.” Damon tried to catch Alex’s eye but he just kept staring at his lap, twiddling an unlit fag between his fingers, a nervous habit.

  
“Then why?” He asked quietly. Damon could tell Alex wanted to believe him but he knew first-hand how hard it was to trust someone after they made a mistake. Especially an addict.

  
“Justine called. Well, she didn’t. But my phone rang and it was her number and for a split-second I thought she wanted to talk. Look, I- I don’t want her back, I know that much, but when you share that much of your life with someone it’s hard to believe that it can just be over. “Damon took a deep breath in- trying not to cry again. This was about comforting Alex, not about him.

“And?” Alex looked like he was in the same boat, tears welling up in his eyes, but he was stubborn and he hated crying in front of people if he could help it.

  
“And it was just some guy calling to say he’d found her phone at some party and did she want it back. He just called the first number on speed dial I guess. I suppose she hasn’t got around to changing it yet. And I felt so down Alex, the worst I’ve felt in ages, ever since she- since we- you know. And you weren’t there and it’s not your fault I’m not blaming you obviously- this is all on me, but I just had some left and I wanted to feel free again- one last time. But it is the last time I swear. I don’t have any more and I’m not gonna go looking for some Alex. I couldn’t do that to you.”

  
Alex looked up for the first time since Damon had started talking, looking searchingly at Damon as if to tell whether he really was telling the truth. It had been hell for the other guys when Damon had gone cold turkey, but it had been worst for Alex, who spent day after day sitting on the other side of Damon’s bedroom door listening as he cried and begged for help. It had paid off in the end though and Damon had been so proud, now he felt disgusting and he knew that the tiny bit of happiness he would get off junk wasn’t going to make up for the self-hatred that was guaranteed to occur afterwards.

  
“I’m sorry I left without saying anything, or leaving a note or something. I didn’t mean to scare you so much but you have to understand what it was like for me Damon. Everyday for the last year I have been fucking terrified that I’m going to come home and find you dead on the sofa or something and last night was the first time I let myself go out without you and I hated it. I spent the whole time worrying about how you were doing or trying to avoid everyone. They were all so coked up and even Graham offered me some. That’s how wound up I was. Dave stopped him of course, but I just had come straight home after that. I was tired and I missed you and then I came into our room and I saw you lying there and I was so relieved. Fuck. It was like the weight of the world rolled of my shoulders.” Alex’s voice began to crack and he was just talking with abandon now, no censoring, nothing. Damon could see how much it hurt him to recount the night and he wanted nothing more than to go back and change his decision. But he knew there was nothing he could do now. He just had to let Alex finish.

  
“And then I went over to the window to smoke because I knew you hadn’t been sleeping well and I didn’t want to wake you up by blowing smoke in your face- I know how much you hate the smell and I just- I saw it. A card and some little specks of powder. It looked like coke Damon. It looked so much like Coke and I knew it couldn’t be and it just- I wanted some so badly. All night I had been avoiding it, all night I had been telling people not to let me near it, and it seemed so easy. I could have just had some right there. So I had to get out. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but I had to leave Damon. I called Dave and I came here because I can’t go through it all again. I’m not strong enough. I need you Damon. I need you to help me be strong, because no matter how hard I try it will always be there.”

  
Damon didn’t know what came over him but he suddenly had the strongest urge to kiss Alex. Just looking at him there, the beautiful mess he was, it felt right. And blur had always been a rather impulsive band, doing things because they felt right was their main philosophy, so Damon just did it. It was a little clumsy and awkward and Alex’s tears were making Damon’s cheeks wet but it felt appropriate. They weren’t perfect, they were clumsy and awkward and impulsive and emotional and the kiss was right for them.  
“Oh.” Alex gasped as they both broke the kiss for air. “So.. that’s how it is.” He looked shocked but he seemed happier than Damon had seen him in a while.

  
“That’s how it is.” Damon paused but Alex was looking at him expectedly and he had always been the best with words so he kept going. “Alex I know you think I have this hidden strength but the truth is, it’s you. You keep me strong. Just knowing you're there helps me get through the day.God that was fucking cheesy please don’t make me keep going.”

  
Alex laughed, an outright laugh, which hadn’t happened for god knows how long and Damon knew that despite everything, they would be ok in the end.

  
“You know I got an idea for a song last night.” Damon said, stroking Alex’s hair as he sat behind him at the window, Alex had a cigarette in his hand but was occasionally leaning back into Damon and stealing kisses.

Alex exhaled “Oh yeah?”

  
“Yeah. I’ll play it to you later. After I punch Graham in the face for being a prick.”

  
Alex just laughed.


End file.
